weekend's and life lessons

Last week, I felt like I did amazingly well on Weight Watchers...except for dinner in the cafe at our hotel, breakfast at our hotel, lunch at McDonald's, dinner at Golden Corral, lunch at Sweet Tomatoes and Dinner at Taco Bell. yeah, Taco Bell. What the heck was I thinking? Damn cravings. Dang husband wanting Cherry Garcia at 9:00 pm. I have absolutely NO willpower!

So you would think I wouldn't have gained 4 ounces, but I did. In all honesty, I am amazed I only gained 4 ounces. We had a busy week with the feis and so that is my excuse, but not a good one. Not worth 4 ounces. The food, not the feis. Just thought I'd clarify.

The hardest part of every week for me is the weekend. Obviously, I've done pretty well for myself since I've lost 25 lbs, but it's still hard. It's a weekly struggle for me. If only I had the willpower to eat out in moderation. It feels like a snowball...getting bigger as the weekend progresses...and suffocating me come Sunday evening. It seems right, seems fun, seems easy...but in the long run it isn't. Even though this past weekend was the feis and we were away from home, I could have planned better, said no to eating out....eh...that would be like pouring gasoline on myself while holding a Bic lighter. Say "no" to eating out? Are you crazy...or am I?

Weekends=Good Memories:

I remember growing up and loving the weekends. The majority of our weekends were filled with house cleaning and yard work, but there was always a reward. I remember waking up on a Saturday morning to my mom cleaning the house. Usually by the time I got out of bed she had cleaned and dusted the house, started laundry and who knows what else. Sometimes I even awoke to her hanging clothes in my closet or putting things away in my drawers. Amazing woman she is. She loves cleaning and she is really good at it. It makes her feel good. I did get that from her, but her desire and willingness to clean... I didn't get from her.

Once the house was clean we would start on the yard/garage/basement depending on the weather. I was a spoiled brat who pranced around like a princess and didn't have to do much, but I do remember helping a lot. Usually, it was because I knew if I helped we would get done and we would all clean up, then go out to eat. Sometimes we would go shopping, too!! This happened almost every Saturday. Those are what weekends are made of. Cleaning and shopping and EATING OUT. Sunday, we MIGHT go out to eat, but usually we came home and my parents cooked or barbecued a nice Sunday dinner. I like it that way. It gives me a feeling of nostalgia and I want my children to leave my home having the same memories.

Somewhere along the line, I left out the work=reward part and just kept reward=reward=reward. I guess that's what happens when you get married at 17. I lost alot of the valuable life lessons most teenagers/young adults learn before they start a family.

I have tried to make the Saturday cleaning/working and reward of eating out our tradition, but it never works out like I had planned. I get too stressed out and discouraged when things don't work out like I wanted them to. Things don't work out mainly because Rob and I both suffer from IGS, Immediate Gratification Syndrome. "Let's go do this and then we'll come back and clean up."

We go out to eat and go shopping, but the house or yard hardly get done BEFORE and rarely do the kids all pitch in to help. If it gets done, it's usually a last minute thing and quite often means someone is coming over to the house later on. When Sunday evening rolls around, I look around me and feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing ALL this cleaning, ALL this laundry, ALL this organizing, ALL this planning for this weeks meals, ALL this shopping for food, etc, etc. Then I kick myself in the teeth because maybe, "If I was smart enough", I could have been more organized and self-motivated. I wouldn't be in this mess. It's about this time that I pick up my stick with my bandanna attached and run away from life...mentally not physically.

I was thinking very hard today about my family and how my husband and I have unknowingly taught our children that play comes before work. I'm on a mission to change that in my house and that comes with changing me....first. I'm sure I'll be met with gnashing of teeth, but oh well.

I don't want to change myself to be like someone else. I don't think looking at other peoples lives and gleaning from them a few things they've found that work, is wrong. I know my husband would say something like, "Why do you want to be like them, you're you, not them!" And I'd walk away knowing he doesn't understand how I'm feeling and there is absolutely no reason to even try to explain. He'll just get angry with me. I'm sure he is remembering back to our first year of marriage when I was desperately trying to find myself as a 17 year old wife. My neighbors seemed to have it ALL together and so I thought that by dressing like her, I could then become like her. Off came the Girbaud $70 jeans and on came the $10 dollar stretch stirrup pants. Yes, it was 1992 and yes, the look was NOT good for me. It wasn't me, but I didn't even know WHO I was at 17. The look didn't last very long, but it left me feeling even more lost in a world society said I didn't belong.

We are both TOO comfortable in our current life...or should I say complacent? We're both lazy, overly stressed, overly tired and way too obligated. I'm not trying to change who I am...I'm just trying to make myself a better person, more reliable, more dedicated, more self-motivated and LESS LAZY. I don't think this is wrong. I think that scares him though. It's not like we aren't already BUSY...we are. I'm just wondering what are we busy with? Do these things benefit our family as a whole or do they just benefit us? Are our kids learning valuable life lessons or are we just waiting for night to come so we can put them in bed?

I am the worst at waiting for the day to end, but I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm tired of sitting back and accepting the things that we BOTH know aren't good for our family, our marriage or each other. I have never been independant before. I've always relied on someone else and quite frankly, I don't know how I am going to change things by myself. This is where I usually retreat and hold up my white flag, but I can't this time. No matter how much opposition I get.