I'm not seeing it

I am very frustrated right now. It's at this point, in life, where I just give up. I was even eyeing the huge box of ooey-gooey brownie mix today.

I've spent the past 3 weeks working out at least 4 days a week because I figured that is what my body needed to get over the hump, stall, plateau.....whatever the "expletive" it's called. I started an Irish Dance class for adults and have attended 2 classes so far. It's fun and yes...it kicks my butt. Nobody told me you could sweat behind your ears!! I've gone to 10 water aerobics classes, too. So why have I not seen the 190's again? I'm so disappointed I want to cry.

My friends say it's water weight, some have even ventured out to say that it's muscle. All I know is that I'm angry, upset and depressed. It feels like I'll never be under 200 lbs and I'm tired of being disappointed every time I step on the scale. I'm tired of working hard and not seeing the result I so despretely want.

Then, last night as I was getting ready to go out to the movies with a friend, I put on a pair of 18 jeans. These are regular stretch and not plus size fit. They fit snug, but comfortable. I was shocked at how good my legs looked, even my butt looked decent. As I lifted my gaze, I was disappointed in the reflection looking back at me. While the image of my legs & butt looked nice, the rest was awful. I looked like someone had started at my feet and pushed all my fat up (like a tube of toothpaste) until it poured from my waist. I figured putting on my slimming cami would help hold everything back. It did....a little. Then I tried on a couple shirts.

HORRIBLE!

They were non fitting shirts and looked hideous with such tight pants. Especially, since it seemed the shirts were covering up at least 150 lbs of me. Seriously. My upper body is so much bigger than my lower body, it's not funny.

So I decided to try on my long black, tight t-shirt from Down East (size Large). You know....the extra long ones that hide things people shouldn't be subjected to. Anyway, it was very form fitting and you could see my rolls, but quite frankly.....every non-anorexic girl I've ever seen wearing a tight 'T' has a non-pregnant belly bulging out or her 'muffin top' is quite noticeable.

That's why they started making the long tanks/t's.....so us girls who don't want to show our coin slots (butt cracks), thong panties, muffin tops or bulging bellies, could cover up our flesh....even while bending over. I felt a little uncomfortable, but that's only because I'm not used to fitted clothing. When I left the house, I felt better, but it didn't last long. About 30 minutes later, while trying on this shirt at Old Navy, I asked my friend if she thought it looked good and she basically said this:

Me- "So, what do you think? Does it look okay?"

Her- "No. Not now. Maybe in about 10 pounds it will. It's too tight on you."

Me- (thinking quietly) It's supposed to be tighter. What's so wrong with it fitting me? Everything I wear is so baggy it just makes me look fatter than I already am.
(speaking outloud) "Should I get an XXL?"

Her- "No. It will fit you soon. You weren't planning on wearing it now, were you?"

Me- "Um, yeah." (thinking to myself) Because now I'm even more self-conscious of what I'm wearing. If this is 'too tight' (which it wasn't by any stretch of the imagination) then what do you think about my much tighter black t-shirt?

I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. She has stated to me many times that she doesn't feel ready to wear tight shirts, so I can see how she would be a little biased in her responses to me on anything tight. Furthermore, why should I CARE what anyone else thinks? I'm me, I've lost 34 lbs since January 4th and bydarnit, I'll wear what I want. Thankyouverymuch.

She ended up buying the same shirt....color, too. I could care less about that, so don't get me wrong. It just goes to show I DO have good taste in clothing! :)

Anyway- since all I've been doing is complaining about my weight, I guess I should end with something positive.

I'm sure the working out has given me smaller measurements.

* My Old Navy denim size 20 capri's, I love, are so baggy I've been called "baggy butt" by a friend at church.

* My size 18 stretch capri's that my mom bought me in Florida are so baggy after I wear them for 20 minutes, it's a waste of time to even put them on.

* My size 16 capri's (from the regular petite section) fit me so well I no longer have to wear my slimming cami.

* My size 20 denim shorts are so big I can't even wear them any longer...they just went into the give away box.

* My size 1X t-shirt is too big and falls off my shoulder.

* I put on one of Rob's t-shirts the other day. I didn't even have to stretch it out to make it fit over my hips.

* I wore a 3X red t-shirt to dance and regretted every minute of it. Once I started to sweat it was worse! Never again...it has now been resigned to a night shirt.

* Both my 40DD bra's are too big. I clasp them on the very last hook, there is fabric sagging in the cup area and the underwire between my breasts is too long. Maybe, if Victoria's Secret sends me a Birthday coupon, I can buy my very first bra from there.

* I actually tried on a size 9 shoe and it was too big. They didn't have an 8.5, but the 8 fit just a little too snug. Could it be I might actually fit into size 8.5 when I'm not overweight?

* Water aerobics and Irish dance are so much fun! Especially Irish Dance!!!

* I still feel good. The only pains I feel are stiffness from exercising and some arthritis creeping up on me, but other than that...no sign of Sarcoidosis.

* I'm still medication free since June 10, 2006.